2002-03-11
I got my webcam hooked up. And I would love to link it so you could see me and my family....but I can't. See, I can't figure out how in the heck to get it on the web. I am willing and open to learning more about the internet and computers. (I was going to say I am an idiot when it comes to computers, but I shouldn't talk that way). I have an FTP (?) program and my camera runs normal in it. And I have a webpage set up. The only thing I can't seem to do is get to the spot where I need to put all the html codes and tags and such. So, I can run my webcam but only on my computer and making faces at myself is getting kind of old. One day I will figure this out and I will let you know where I am and then I can make faces at you instead.
I was talking to my bestest buddy in Victoria last night. She was telling me about how (the ex) BigC's brother had a stroke. He is a fabulous man, he's only 28. He has a few substance abuse issues and was on a bender and had a blood clot in his brain. I feel so bad for BigC. I just want to phone him, or hug him, I want to make it easier for him, and for his brother. But he hates me.
I struggle with that. I'm slowly getting over that relationship but I still love him very much. I miss him greatly. It is making me very sad at this time. I find it difficult because I don't have any room to grieve that relationship. I have no one who wants to discuss it with me. I have to do it in private, in silence. Every time I say BigC's name the Hubby-to-be closes off. I know he hates the mention of his name. I understand why and so I mourn in my own little ways. I find I dream of BigC very often. I must be dealing with in my subconcious...that or my subconcious is yelling "deal with this and get it out of here please!".
See, he didn't treat me very well. And I know that I deserve more for myself, and for my daughter, than the life we would have made with him. But he never treated me bad on purpose. He loved me the best way he knew how. He has issues and anger and sadness. I can't condemn him for wanting to have power over me when he watched his dad beat his mom all his life.
I feel badly for ending things the way I did. But I still know that it is much better for both of us that we are apart. I feel terrible for hurting him the way I did. But I am beginning to realize that maybe it had to be that way. Maybe we would have stayed together if things were friendlier. We always had a strong need for eachother. The feeling that we couldn't exist without the other even though we knew it was not a healthy match. We are very different. We are very much the same.
This is too hard to think about.
I love him. I'm sorry. And I wish him great strength in this difficult time for him and his family. And love to Joe, too.
