Tuesday, Aug. 20, 2002
I can't believe no one was outraged about my comments about Ani. I know Beth would usually have a mouthful. But she is not speaking to me. Or is too self absorbed. Something. But I know she still reads my diary. She just won't communicate at all. Strange. I must get over this.
See, we were friends in real life.
When Beth and I originally met and became friends it was soon after her sister had committed suicide. She was an immensely loving, giving, hilarious, supportive friend. We had so much in common and so many differences. I enjoyed myself so much when I was in her presence. But she was having an emotionally treacherous time and needless to say she was a high maintenance friend. At the same time I have a high maintnenance life. With school, child, relationsip and job there wasn't much spare time. Sometimes I felt like I had nothing to give, I was spread too thin. But I gave what I could.
She met her hubby and became more stable and happy. Hanging out with her and hubby was sometimes difficult. I was happy that she met someone she fell so completely in love with. Seeing them together made me smile. So perfect. Except one thing. They would make-out all the time. In front of people, major tongue action. I would be mid-sentence explaining something to her and he would start kissing her passionately up the neck. Her eyes would roll back in her head. Somehow, I would get the sense that she was just not listening to me anymore. I constantly felt like she was uninterested in what I was saying. It came down to a respect issue. Something I just didn't want to spend a lot of time with.
Then I did something rude and inconsiderate and we didn't speak for some time. My rudeness was intentional. My boyfriend didn't like her. He felt like she used and manipulated me. He did not like the make-out factor. His feelings about her caused constant conflict in my life and relationship. This was the man I loved and lived with. Making bad decisions and taking the easy way out I stopped being friends with her.
While we weren't talking she left mean messages in my guestbook. Trying to hurt me or annoy the hell out of me. She succeeded at both.
Since then I realized what an unhealthy relationship I was in. And how many bad decisions I had made for myself and my daughter in that time. After I kicked the boyfriend OUT of my house, her and I chatted about the situation through email and I apologized and she understood. I think.
I was offline for a couple of months after I moved here. One day, something called me into an internet cafe. I sat down and read about her husband leaving her. I immediately sent an email offering support.
Since then I have left oh, say, eight or so guestbook messages. And never a word. But she communicates with other people who leave her guestbook messages. So it is not like she just posts and goes. And one day I posted a compatability test with Angel. The post offers others a chance to find out how compatible they are with you. I got an email stating the percentages of likeness I have with Beth. So, she reads me, wants to know how compatible she is with me but ignores me.
I try to not care. But apparently not caring is not in my nature. It's not that this keeps me up at night but I am confused. People are strange.
I wasn't ever going to write about this but I'm pretty sure I just did.
Tuesday, Aug. 20, 2002My new couches arrived last night at Five. They look really, really, really great. I have never had a piece of new furniture in my life. Always used. Ken and I were so nervous about spilling on them. We sat on the floor in front of them all night. It just seemed the right thing to do. We were concerned about oils from skin getting on them. Obsessed? or just Excited?
He might bring his digital camera home from work. Hopefully I can figure out how to use it. Then I will show you my new couch and probably everything else in my house. I have been dying to put some pictures up but don't have a scanner or image storage. I do have a cam though. Maybe I'll try to figure that out.
So many things to do today. I must go start.
Monday, Aug. 19, 2002I am very torn.
You see, Ani Difranco is coming to Vancouver next month. This is very good news but I don't know if I should go or not.
I really, really, really want to. She has no band this tour. Just little ol'Ani and her guitar. I think it would be so amazing. Possibly the best one ever......
But it is on a Tuesday. In the middle of the work week.
It costs $45. So after service charges and the like it would be closer to $60.
It is at the Queen Elizabeth Theater. I saw her there not the last time but the last time. I did not like it in that venue one bit. It was really crowdy and pot smoky. And I am not anti-pot by any means but I don't smoke it because of anxiety. And so it is difficult to be in a very crowded building and all I can breath is pot smoke. Plus, the last time we went to Ani there my sister smoked some of our neighbour's pot and ended up passing out mid-concert. Bad, bad.....
This would be the fifth time I have see her live. How many is too many?
And......it totally bugs me that she is so anti-corporation and anti-classism and all that good stuff but then she turns around and says (not in so many words) be anti-corporation and anti-classism with me but you have to buy my $30 cd and come to the concert for $45. Is she not exclucing the little, poor people she tries so hard to fight for? This would never be enough to overpower how much her music means to me but it just makes me go hhhmmmm........
Monday, Aug. 19, 2002The better we feel about ourselves, the fewer times we have to knock somebody else down to feel tall. -Odeta-
Sunday, Aug. 18, 2002Wow, I am sober now. And tired. All I did last night was sit in my back yard. Have three tall drinks. Eat popcorn and go to bed. Not as young as I used to be. And I didn't remember that I made that entry last night until right now. I was hammered. It was funny.. But today all I want to do is nap.
And instead of napping we went and bought a new couch and loveseat. It is coming tomorrow between 4 and 6. This is very exciting because our old set had holes in it and the stuffing coming out and all brown and stainy. Disgusting. We took it to the dump as soon as we got home from the furniture store. The new set is all beigey-taupe and clean and stylish. So exciting. Be excited for me.
That is about all. The family is in the back yard so I am going to go lay down on my bed and sleep.
Saturday, Aug. 17, 2002Does nobody love me?
Do you not miss me?
I've had a few vodkas you'll have to excuse me. Have you tried the new flavoured ones? lime? Orange? Vanilla? It is not so easy to type after a few Limes.
Doing more back-spacing than typing.
Things are good. Life is great. I was just telling Ken all about Pischina's life story. He doesn't really understand this internet thing. Just as well.
Love me.
Leave me a message.
I'm off this week and home all week. No. More. Travelling.
I'll be updating.
God, I've missed you.
My dog stinks. He got caught in the rain. P.U.
I type how a drunk person speaks. How annoying.
Friday, Aug. 09, 2002I've been back from Saskatoon for a couple of days. Wow, it is really flat there. I love BC.
I am leaving this morning to go to Victoria and Vancouver for a week. Chloe is with my Mom in Victoria and I haven't seen her for almost two weeks. That is the longest we have ever been apart. I am so excited to see her.
She has a picture of me taped beside her bed at my mom's. She kisses it goodnight and good morning. These are the moments that make parenting all worth it.
There is lots of bad gossip from the Saskatoon trip but I'll save it.
Be back in another week. I'm starting to miss work already.
Tuesday, Jul. 30, 2002I meant all day to update. Now I am running out of time.
I spent three days at the lake staying in the cabin my mother rented. It was fabulously boring.
I am reading a novel. This is very exciting for me. I was a creative writing major and all I used to do was read and write and read and write and then talk about reading and writing. Since the start of my Chinese Medicine journey I haven't had the energy to read. All I do is read text books. I'm practically cross-eyed at the end of the day.
But now I have the time. I am really really enjoying this book.
I leave to go to Saskatoon tomorrow morning at 6am. I have never been outside of BC within Canada. I have never seen the Rocky Mountains or the Prairies. We are riding in a van with Ken's ball team to play in the Slow Pitch Nationals. Could be great but definitely will be interesting.
You know the small town gossip that you never think could be real. Well it is, here anyways. It is a long story but here is the synopsis.
Woman leaves husband to be with Ken.
Ken does not want to be with woman.
Woman pursues Ken for a year.
Woman starts sleeping with Ken's brother. Presumably to get close to him....not too sure on that one.
Woman is still pursuing Ken.
I come along.
We fall in love, I move here.
Woman goes back to husband.
Woman still pursues Ken while with husband.
Ken's brother is determined to "win" this woman back.
They are all on the team going to Saskatoon. I will be in a van with these people for eighteen hours there and eighteen hours back.
Serenity now. I feel some drama coming on.
Back August 7th.
Friday, Jul. 26, 20021. How long have you had a weblog? Oh goodness. Since 2000? I was iluvjello and now I'm here.
2. What was your first post about? How much I hate television and how it dictates our lives.
3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one? Just one. From there to here.
4. What CMS (content management system) do you use? Do you like it or do you want to try something else? what is a content management system......
5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog? Or do you prefer to read people who have all of their writing in one central place? I read about 8 people religously. These are the people I miss if I go out of town. I love it if they have a journal and a weblog because if I don't get enough in their journal then I can get more tidbits throught the weblog.
Leaving at noon today. Love and kisses.
Thursday, Jul. 25, 2002Vacation is fabulous. I have been doing a lot of floating on air mattresses in pools and on lakes. I haven't fully relaxed yet but I can feel it is coming. Takes a while to unwind, you know.
My sis and Bro-in-law are here with Baby. It has been great to hang out with them. My sister loves floating as much as I do.
Still no word on the licensing board thing. I'm going to lay low for the month of August and then check out what is happening. Hopefully my teacher/doctor guy will get his license from them and that will take away alot of the roadblocks. Tick, tick, tick. Nothing new there. Still waiting.
My mom rented a cabin at a lake that is about an hour from here. We are all going out to stay there for a few days. Then I am leaving Chloe with my Mom and coming home. The next day I am going to Saskatoon for Ken to play in the Slow Pitch Nationals. We'll be there until the 5th or 6th of August. My mom is taking Chloe back to Victoria. Then on the 9th of August I am going to Victoria for about a week. I can visit my bestest friends and my Granny.
I worry about running into Chloe's Dad in Victoria. I hope not but I have a funny feeling. He has phoned twice since we moved here 10 months ago. On December 31st and April 15th. Jerk. Even his parents quit phoning three months ago. I don't want to open that door.
Moral of all that story is I won't be updating too often for a while. I'll drop a note when I have a chance. Or if anything super exciting happens I'll be sure to let you know.
I guess it is obvious I decided to take the six weeks off instead of three. I feel a little frivolous. But man is it nice. I keep saying "Just think, I could be at work right now!"
Sending you some sunshine. Smile.
Friday, Jul. 19, 2002Living with a redneck is interesting.
I just saw a gun propped up in the corner of our closet.
I'm pretty sure it was a beebee gun.
Friday, Jul. 19, 2002FRIDAY FIVE
1. Where were you born? Victoria, BC
2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? Kamloops
3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? In my Lawyer's office
4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? No. Hawaii. Mexico.
5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? Mmmm. I dunno.
Thursday, Jul. 18, 2002Was I cut out for this mother/stepmother, laundry, cooking, husband scenario?
I think I'm forgetting to breathe. I'm forgetting to take a step back and see the real situation. My real life. A positive, grateful perspective.
These are not shackles they are jewelery.
Wednesday, Jul. 17, 2002
name three foods you regularly eat:
1. vegetables
2. almonds
3. brown rice
name three drinks you regularly drink:
1. water
2. straight american ginseng tea
3. chinese herbal decoction
name three ice cream/yogurt flavors you
love:
1. chocolate peanutbutter
2. hagen daaz bars with the almonds on the outside
3. chocolate peanutbutter
name three things currently attached to your
body
1. my tattoos
2. my engagement ring
3. my hair?
name three random facts about your family:
1.I am good friend's with my partner's first wife.
2. My mother is still jealous and angry about my father being with my stepmother. My parents brok up 22 years ago. My father has been with my stepmother for 21. Get over it.
3. My stepmother is one of my best friends.
name three colors you love:
1. earthy moss-gray-green
2. brown (is that weird or what?)
3. blue
name three items in your bag:
1. carmex
2. wallet
3. tampons
name three bad habits you hate people
doing:
1. being disrespectful
2. being inconsiderate
3. being show-offish
name three bad habits you possess:
1. being judgemental, not all the time, but I fall into the being-a-meany-trap.
2. too sarcastic. I hurt people's feelings without meaning it.
3. um, uh, which one should I chose....... Oh, how about self-doubt or disliking one's self?
name three things you enjoy:
1. feeling happy
2. seeing other people happy
3. my daughter, every little inch of her
Wednesday, Jul. 17, 2002I forgot to tell you that the other day I did something so embarassing that I will never tell anyone.
I finished hooking up a patient's electroacupuncture. 14 needles were hooked up to wires which in turn are plugged into the machine.
Somehow, and don't ask, I tripped on a wire dangling down and the machine fell off the table onto the floor. It pulled about 6 of his needles right out and scared the shit out of him.
I had to put his needles back in and re-hook him. I'm so glad it was who it was or I would have cried. Imagine if it was a super nervous tense kind of patient?
That is something that is better left untold. Especially to people I give acupuncture too.
One more day of work until my holidays. However long my holidays are. I'm starting to feel like every patient is a hypochondriac. I think it is time for a break.
Wednesday, Jul. 17, 2002I can't decide what to do for my holidays.
My original plan was to take July 20th to August 12th off. Spend the first week at home here and my sis is coming to visit. Go to the lake where my mom is renting a cabin for the weekend. Come home on Tuesday. Go to Saskatoon for a week to watch Ken's Canadian National Slow Pitch endeavour. I would still have a week left when I get home so I could hang a bit but would have to somehow retrieve Chloe from Victoria. That would include some travelling time.
The people I work with at the clinic are urging me to take more time off.
Ken says "Well people who work only get two weeks." That really insulted me. I felt I had to justify that I do more than a person with a full time job.
He doesn't understand the art of nurturing oneself. I say I need to time to do things for me.
He says "Well, what do you need to do?"
I need time to do whatever "I" want to do. Relax. Read. Be.
I can't do that when he is around. He is textbook type A. Can't waste a minute. Go. Go. Go.
And I don't want to go to Saskatoon anymore. But I am flip flopping about that decision. I am baseballed out. But he wants me there. My friends are going. I'm quite sure I will get bitter about going. I get bitter about spending my weekends at the ballpark.
I would way rather go to Victoria and see my friends and my Granny. And stay at home alone. I can relax.
I need to nourish my soul and mind and body before I dive back into studying.
Is three weeks enough to do that? Perhaps if I don't go to Saskatoon. I'm so afraid of disappointing people. But don't I have to take care of me first?
Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002Do you ever notice how many typos I make? Of course you do. I am too impatient to proof-read properly. Good thing I didn't continue majoring in writing, things may not have gone my way.
Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002Has it really only been four days. It feels like forever. I am so busy.
My exam is done. There were 270 questions. I got 50 wrong. That is 80% or something. Not great but pretty darn good.
I'm going to meet with a Member of the Legislative Assembly today. We are goign to discuss the problems I am having dealing with the government agent that would supposedly give me my license when I am done my studying.
I am kind of nervous. I feel like "why would he care about my little problems". But I am going to go make him care. Three people have advised me to get him on my side. So I am, today, at 1:30.
This is my last weeke at the clinic and then three weeks off. I am debating taking more time but can't decide what to do. I really need to refresh my self.
Gotta run.
Love, love.
