Saturday, Jan. 25, 2003
This? or That?
1. Super Bowl or World Series?
Either, neither, I don't mind.
2. Winter or summer?
Sum-sum-summertime. I miss it.
3. Look up numbers in the phone book, or call directory assistance?
Look them up....don't be so lazy.
4. Mashed potatoes or French fries?
I can't eat either but if I could I would be all over and into the french fries. Mm.
5. Hand-code your website, or use an editor (such as Front Page)?
I get Shanni to do it.
6. Freeway or winding country road?
Depends on where I am going. Usually I would take the country road because the journey to some place is just as important as being there.
7. Star Wars or Star Trek?
Neither, Yuck, hate them.
8. Disney or Warner Brothers cartoons?
Either, neither, I don't love cartoons.
9. When it feels chilly in the house: crank up the heat or put on a sweater?
Crank the heat....
10. CBS or PBS?
Depends on what is on where. I'm not about the network, I'm all about the show.
Friday, Jan. 24, 2003I was on a work-search frenzy yesterday. Woo-Hoo.
I am feeling really good and positive about this. A shift, I know. The money pressure went away. Well, it went away when we decided to take money off of the credit line to make ends meet on the first of the month. That frees me for another month, pressure off, search, search, search.
There is one job in particular that I really, really want. Do you think they would hire me if I crawled in on my knees and told them I really, really, really want this job? Maybe I'll act a little cooler......cross your fingers for me.
Today I am going up to our local ski hill because a friend of mine from Victoria from years ago is vacationing there. She is really great and so good to chat with and I haven't seen her in three years. I am looking forward to it. I'm going to take money off the credit line and go out for lunch!
Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003If you love me, you will do this.
See, I listed a bunch of things at Swappingtons. But I have NO points to trade anything with! I keep looking at all the great books, and cds, and videogames. I need this kind of trading excitement in my life. I am unemployed, bored, watching way too much Personal TLC and feeling sorry for myself.
You can help me. Go sign up at Swappington's. Put me, uprealslow, as the referral. You only have to list ONE thing to trade and I will get EIGHT swapping points. Then I could get a good book to read and stop wishing I could be on 'A Makeover Story'. Go, help, now!
Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003My resume is fully cheesed out. I am going to sell myself!! I wanted to put this picture on it.....
..but that might be a little over the top.
"Hi, I'm keen. Nifty super-de-duper."
Now I just need somewhere to apply.
Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003
It is bbrrrr freezing here today. Ok, it's only minus 7, but there is a very cold breeze.
So instead of pounding the chewing gum splattered pavement I have to decided to stay in my cozy warmness and write a kick-ass resume and cover letter. And I'll be researching how to write such a resume and cover letter.
So, yes, I'll be updating every fifteen minutes.
Oh, it's snowing now. Last night I made Ken a pepperoni pizza in a heart shape. I even made the crust. He ate the whole thing. He was so happy that I would do that for him. His ex-wife was not that nice to him so it makes my job sooo easy.
Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003I am so upset about this job thing. I keep breaking down in tears. I have things to do today but all I want to do it sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself. There is a voice that keeps telling me that I need to get out there, make the best of it, suck it up and go make some money. And then there is a voice that says....I don't want to put myself out there, resume in hand, feeling inferior and needy, searching for someone to give me their stamp of approval to work a minimum wage job. I am so much more than being treated like a dispensable, useless cashier.
I need to make $600-$1000 a month. Not a lot. That would fill the gap, for the time being. So I told Dr's wife that and she said she would hire me to work 60 hours a month, to fill the gap in my budget, and then I could work more when it got busier. I was so excited. Then she talked to Dr. and he feels it is not a good time to hire me because the clinic is slow.
I have never been successful in anything in my life. I dropped out of University to do this. It feels like when things get difficult for me, I run. I think of another great idea and change my life path. I keep taking time to work. I keep going to school and getting somewhere and then I need to stop to waitress. Actually, I stop to hide. And as much as I feel like hiding this time, I don't want to, I want to fight through it. And succeed at something.
And now I feel like I just gave it up. Perhaps my life is going in another direction but I don't want it to, dammit! Stay put life. Lead me where I want to go!
Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003I just phoned the clinic to see what would be a convenient time to go in today to talk with the Dr. about my intentions with my education.
Mrs. Dr told me that she talked to him last night and he doesn't think it is a good time for me to work there and they will give me a call if it gets busy.
Fuck. I better print off some resumes. And you know what the advertisements are for in this city....cowboys and truck drivers. Seriously, there are newspaper ads looking for cowboys. This could get interesting. For now it is really disappointing and frustrating.
Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003"When I grow up and I'm a veternarian, I'm going to think with my heart and not with my wallet." -Chloe-
I must be doing something right.
Monday, Jan. 20, 2003Ok. So that was a bad email adress choice. Some people's comments MAKE you leave your email address and it was way too long and annoying. I felt that I may not leave those people comments anymore. And then no one would email me because they would be too tired to type any more after they entered my address. So, now it is.....
That's what my sister calls me to my little neicey. Sucky, I know, but I love it.
I had a great lunch with dr's wife today. Learnt many things. I am going to be working two days a week for them. I'm pretty sure it will end up being more....
oh, pot boiling over. bye.
Monday, Jan. 20, 2003The email address that I use for my diary is at hotmail. I am getting way, way to much junk mail. So I changed it to Yahoo. Apparently they are better...I'll have to see. It took me about half an hour to find a user name that no one else had chosen and that had no numbers tacked on the end. So....my new email address is....
Monday, Jan. 20, 2003I just ate a can of tuna with cucumber and celery on it. For breakfast. I gross myself out.
My dogs are so effin' cute. I wish Ken's dad didn't take the digital camera back. I would take a picture for you. The little puppy just cuddles right in with Justice. They dog spoon!
Today is the day of the meeting to find out about what the Doctor and Dr's wife want me to be doing at their clinic. If anything at all....
My horoscope said something about how career changes may be looking negative but they are going to take an upward turn.
Cross your fingers for me please. I am going to shower and get pretty. Cause then if I my career doesn't take an upward turn, atleast I'll be looking good.
Yikes.
Saturday, Jan. 18, 2003I am so glad that I am going to marry the kind of man who buys puppies for Christmas presents.
Last night we scoured the satellite for movies. He let me pick a stupid high-school girly movie. And then makes me popcorn. That is how it always is.
He is so good to me. I love knowing that someone is aware of my feelings and happiness and considers the impact on both of us with every decision. He makes me feel very important.
Friday, Jan. 17, 2003Go check out Swappington!
Friday, Jan. 17, 2003I have not smoked in 376 days.
Friday, Jan. 17, 2003After waiting for five days for the wife of the doctor I worked for to call me, I called her. I am tired of waiting to find out if I need to go job hunting or not. I have a bunch of shit that needs to be paid for.
She says she wants to take me to lunch. What the 'ef does that mean? She obviously wouldn't take me to lunch if they didn't want me around there. She probably wants to make some kind of proposal.......why not a straight answer? More wondering, more wondering......
Friday, Jan. 17, 2003I am still in my pj's and bathrobe. I have been in front of the computer for an hour listing things at Swappington's. It's Andrew's new site for trading cd's, movies, and books. Check it out. And if you register, tell them I sent you because then I get a point and I could get more stuff!!
Thursday, Jan. 16, 2003In an effort to trim the expenses a little I kept the kids home from daycare today. This feels weird. Weird and housewife-ish.
What was I thinking?
Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003I do not like conflict. I run from it, I hide from it, I would rather move than run into someone that I could have a confrontation with. Not healthy. No.
Today I ran into a friend that I broke up with. It was a big thing for me to even tell her that our friendship was unhealthy for me. Of course, I told her in email. I feel too guilty to tell someone somehthing hurtful. So I stay in spaces that are hurtful for me, and take shit that is not good for me, so I don't have to hurt the other person's feelings.
Well, with this friend it had to stop. Everything was always about her. And she would put her stuff on me. When crappy stuff happened to her, which it often did, I would end up feeling so badly for her that I felt like it was my fault. She doesn't own her ugly-stuff, she gives it away. I found myself dancing around her, always telling her what she wanted to hear and being so careful as to not offend her. Because she is very emotionally fragile.
I find this hard to explain. Let me try again.
We are both invited to a party.
I phone her at 6:00 pm to see if she is going.
She says, with sadness and irritability, that she had decided that if I didn't phone her by 5:00 pm that she wasn't going to go.
So now, she is feeling sad that she isn't going to this party but it is MY fault because I didn't phone her by 5:00.
I had no clue that I was to phone her. I find myself apologizing.
Anyways, I sent her a sissy email. I tried my best to explain to her that I love her very much and want only the best things for her but we couldn't be friends at this point in time. I told her that she needed to explore and learn about how to support and nourish herself because I couldn't give to her in that way.
Not surprisingly, she didn't get it.
I cannot feel like I am a life-line to another adult. I have an education, a partner, three children, myself, and two dogs to give to. I can't give to someone else on that level, and especially when I get NOTHING back. I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness but my own.
So I cried today. And I hugged her. I told her that I loved her and I'm sorry that I hurt her but that she does not understand my intentions.
She told me that all she does now is cry. And that every song on the radio reminds her of me and it makes her cry.
And I am left feeling guilty for ruining her life. Why is it my fault that she can't handle her friend being an asshole? (if in fact I was being said asshole....)
I decided that I need to have good feelings about her. I need to not feel guilty or insecure I need to send her positive, loving, healing energy and focus. Until then I have learned nothing about taking on other people's stuff.
And I need to learn how to sit down and tell someone the way I feel even when it is painful for them.
Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003Who can turn down a good love-fest? I'm a little late, but hey, it's just a little.
I want to say thank-you to Megs for loving me. You truly are a great friend, I constantly feel your support and your encouraging words are always timely.
And I would like to send my love first to Itsy for being so funny and down to earth and honest. I feel we somehow have a lot in common and I find comfort in that.
Love to Angel who I have loved for a long time. It's interesting to look at why you read each person's journal and why you care about them. Angel is so strong and honest and I see a lot of myself in her. I have so many 'Me too!' moments when I read her.
And to Shanni who has been so good to me, designing my bee-yoooti-ful site, answering all my dumb questions. So giving. She's doing a little inner-excavating right now and sounds like she is having some minor explosions. Yay Shanni!
Loving, loving, loving the Beth. She inspired me to start writing here. This has become such a valuable tool in my life. Without my love for her I wouldn't have all these other people to love. Smooch!
I love all the amazing women that I read each day. You are all so beautiful and giving. Allowing others to see into you and your life and your joys and your failures and your demons and your treasures. The women we surround ourselves with weave an invisible net that can sing with us when we are strong and carry us when we are weak.
Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2003Well Fuck. And I mean that.
I just got a letter in the mail regarding an overdue student loan account. They have never sent me anything telling me how much the payments are and where to send them....and they admit this, yet they think I should magically know how much to send where? I'm already paying one student loan account, I figured that was the only one.
That means that my expenses each month have gone up $695/month. And as of yesterday our income has gone down $900/month. This is not good news.
I phoned the Acupuncture Centre to see if they had decided if they want me to work and she says she'll phone me by the end of the week. The end of the week? That brings me closer to a pile of payments due on the 1st. I can't lay here on my fucking heating pad waiting for her to call and give the yay or nay. It is driving me crazy.
I really don't want to go find a job at the hardware store but.....I best go pick up the classifieds.
Monday, Jan. 13, 2003I just finished watching 'Down to You'. I have a Julia Stiles thing lately. I'm not too sure what it is, a crush, a fascination, I think she reminds me of someone. I don't know, I like her. Maybe it's the consistency of her, she is the same in every movie she does. I know what to expect when I leave the video store.
And at the end her and Freddy are reuniting and talking about what they do for work and how they are doing things they love. And now I can't stop crying. I want my job back. I want to succeed at something. I want to finish something. I want to be done being educated without being a waitress.
I can see myself in my own practice. My own building. I see me sitting across from someone and reading charts and listening and healing and I want that so bad. And now I fear that I am admitting that the avenue I was taking to get there is failing. The only trouble is that there aren't any other avenues.
I have faith in the universe. I have faith that my life is of importance and I will end up where I am supposed to be. But it is so hard to feel content about following the direction I am shown when the one thing that I feel so passionate about, the one thing that I am so sure that I could spend the rest of my life doing, is coming to an end. I love my work, I love giving acupuncture, the people, the feeling, the smell, everything. I loved going to work every day for the last year. And now tomorrow I have nowhere to go. I will be on my living room floor with a heating pad, moving on to my next Julia Stiles movie.
Monday, Jan. 13, 2003I am now jobless. No direction. No education. Nowhere to go in the morning.
Today I told the people I have been working with for the last year that I will stop studying as of now. This makes me sad. I told her that I would love to work for them, however much they need me, and if it wasn't enough I would work somewhere else also. She said she would talk with the doctor and call me to let me know.
I am going crazy thinking that 'What if the don't want me to work there???' Then what will I do???? Get a job at the hardware store, or the gas station....ah, phone dammit. I don't want to feel useless anymore.
Sunday, Jan. 12, 2003Thanx for all the advice. It helps me. Being girlfriendless weighs on me sometimes. I'm not sure if I'm crazy or if my anger has merit. I don't have the sounding board that women need when they get pissed off at their mate, or anyone. I don't have someone to call with seemingly petty things like 'should I be mad if he reads my email?". Thank you. Thank you. And to think he doesn't understand this whole diary thing. He is a boy. We are very different. Let us leave it there.
So, last night he was teasing me, trying to make me laugh, and I started to cry. I barely never cry. Then we started talking. He apologized for overstepping boundaries and making me feel like he had invaded my space. He also apologized for the way he reacted to me when I asked him not to read it and the way he walked away from me when I wanted to talk about it. Things are fine. He won't read my email anymore.
Things are pretty high pressure here right now for a number of reasons...
1. Ken found out he can't buy his dad's company. He has been focussing on doing that for 4 years.
2. He was going to buy it now because him and his dad decided they don't work well together and one of them needed to leave. It could be time for a new career.
3. I lost my daycare subsidy. That is $354 per month. I started paying my student loans for $182 a month. I might be losing the money I get for a supposed part-time job for $880 a month. Yikes.
4. I need to quit studying/apprenticing/working for free and get a job. Bring home some pork chops. I just really hope the acupuncture clinic will want to hire me because the thought of leaving there makes me sick.
5. I'm starting the fight for more child support money. He should be giving monthly support and paying a large portion of the daycare bill. But it may cost me a fat lawyer bill to do that.
Things are changing, and chaotic. And this seems to be the way my life works. It's like a bad game of dominoes. One thing falls, it all tumbles and slowly you put the pieces back to standing, one by one. And then it's a whole new game that is good.
Saturday, Jan. 11, 2003I hurt my back. This is a bad thing because now I can't do anything. This is a good thing because now I can't do anything. I have been laying in bed all morning. I have finished half of a fabulous novel. The two youngest kids were out at a birthday party and now they went to the hospital to have youngest stepson's collar bone xrayed. It could be fractured. And oldest stepson is out with a couple of girls. Could be up to no good. Ah, whatever, he dosn't even like girls yet.
Anyways, it has been nice and relaxing. Except Ken and I got in a fight this morning. See, he resents the time that I spend on the computer. That is seriously....maximum 3 hours a week. I do all my updating when he isn't home for this very reason. He mentioned once that he is afraid that I pour all of my problems into my diary instead of talking to him.
Last night I sent a couple of emails. One told everyone that we were back online and the other was pictures of my puppy.
Then this morning as I get up he is sitting at the computer with an email from my friend in Victoria. He is looking at pictures of her new puppy and then starts reading the text. I say "Um, hon, could you please not read that?" and he says, as he leaves into the other room, "Well, if it was going to be all about that we should have left it disconnected." And I say, "I don't open letters that come for you in the mail, it is the same kind of thing, I would like some privacy."
I am having trouble with this. Is it so wrong that I want to read emails that are for me before he reads them? I don't ever want to feel like I am hiding anything from him....we should be open with eachother, I shouldn't care if he reads my emails should I?
We had a fight/conversation a while back about 'things that are mine'. I was getting angry when he was talking to my friends on the phone and teasing me about getting impatient while waiting to talk them. I'm sure I made an entry about it.....
Anyways, I explained and he understood. This is not my house, this is not my city, I don't have any friends here, everyone I know, I know through him. I have nothing or no one that is mine alone, everything is shared. He gets in on everything whether it's a conversation with my stepmom or a night out with the girls from my neighbourhood. I think this latest email thing falls under the same category. I don't know. I'm confused about why it angers me when he does that. Why do I not want him to read my emails????
Friday, Jan. 10, 2003
This is my new baby girl......Kharma. A wife for my boy, Justice. We hope they will make babies one day (you can get $400 a pop for 'em! and they lay like 12!). So we refrain from calling them brother and sister. I love her madly, even when she covers my kitchen in piss and chews my knuckles off.
You should see me walking down the street with them. Kharma in the pink collar and leash and Justice in the Royal Blue. I'm lucky if I don't step on her and he has peed on her more than once.....Just what I needed, eh? One child, two step children, a husband, a home, an education, and a job...plus a dog and puppy....wait until we breed!
So, I am on my home comp. Yay, me. It was expensive to fix. I had five viruses. Whatever.
Um, yup. I'll be tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day.....
Ok. Newt Boy has not got the computer fixed. I thought the fixer guy had dropped it off at his office but in fact fixit guy has not even picked it up yet. Rrr.
Things going on.....
1. Ken (Newt Boy) is looking at buying his dad's company...on Feb 1.
2. I have no idea, again, about this whole licensing exam thing blah.
3. We might be losing $900 a month income. No groceries. I may have to quit studying and actually work for a while. Work? Me?
4. I am in the process of trying to get Chloe's dad's financial info. Our child support is set for $34,600. He is making upwards of $48,000. Chaching. Perhaps.
5. This wedding is getting on my nerves. I do not want a wedding. I want to get married. Ken thought I was kidding when I yelled about how I want to elope. I was not kidding. All this planning is for the birds, or women with no jobs or kids or studying. Hey baby lets go to Vegas....
Monday, Jan. 06, 2003Yeesh! Happy New Year!! Merry Christmas!! Where the hell have I been, eh? My dumb-ass computer is not fixed yet. But, but, but.....I stopped at Ken's office today and there was my pretty teal coloured hard drive so I think, I think, I think it is fixed. I may be connected again tonight!!!!
Things are good. Busy. Crazy. Good.
I got a puppy for Christmas. A little blond golden retriever female. A wife for my Justice. Her name is Kharma. And she is so fabulous and cute and pees on my floor all the time. Ken surprised me with her. You know that as soon as I get my computer up I am going to post pictures of her. Am I spoiled rotten or what? Yes, just the way I like it. I got a 4Runner for my birthday and diamond ring last Christmas...I told him he's setting a precedent.
I started back to work today. I haven't been there since December 13th. I was a great break but I am really happy to be back. I am so fortunate to have a job that makes my heart sing. I still have to figure out all the licensing exam bullshit but....sigh.....it will happen.
K. Gotta run. I missed you all so, so, so much. I'm coming to read you right now (except Methy who I read before I update).
I might be back tonight....tick, tick, tick.
Thursday, Dec. 12, 2002A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Re: the blahness down in that first entry.
This joke made me half-smile. Thanx Itsy.
Thursday, Dec. 12, 2002I'm going through a bit of a time. Feeling blah. Could be the weather. Could be the hormones. Not so sure.
I am having trouble with one of my friends. She is needy, manipulative and I feel like I dance around her to keep her happy and cradle her ego like a baby so she doesn't get hurt. It is totally unhealthy for me to be giving so much to her. She has no idea what is going on in my life. I think it has been six months since she asked me how I am doing. I cannot conciously hurt people. It is too difficult for me to tell her this. What am I to do?
I just re-read that and it sounds very mean but it is how I feel. Perhaps the blah-ness is affecting me.
I am having trouble with Chloe's paternal grandmother with conflict looming on the horizon. I hate conflict it scares the bejeezus out of me.
I found out that Chloe's dad is making a shwack more money than he used to. I am communicating with my lawyer about getting more financial help from him. Conflict looming......
Blah!
I think it is the pressure to be happy and comfortable and content at this time of year that makes me miserable. I am such a rebel.
Well, off to Walmart I go.
Merry Bah-hum-bug to you.
Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002I am supposed to be at work. But our computer is not working and I need to email my lawyer something. So, I told Ron I was going to get tea and I snuck to the internet cafe and I am saying hello to you.
My wedding date is already taken by my brother-in-law's bestfriend. Seeing as how I would like my sister there I think I'll reschedule. The other logical date is August 2nd. But that is the date that I lost my virginity so Ken refuses.
Um, I'm flying to Victoria next Tuesday for an early Christmas. My sister wasn't going to be able to make it but now she is. Yay! Visits with my chubby little niece!
Um, yup. Gotta go get Ron that tea. Love and kisses.....I miss,miss,miss updating all the time. I will fix my home computer I promise. Out damn worm, out I say!
Sunday, Dec. 15, 2002I'm in the library. So no one will get creepy infected emails from me while I type this. I so got busted for turning my home computer on. I stopped at Ken's work about an hour later and he had recieved a mail from our home address. I hate that! Someone fix my machine.
I found so many great books on chakras and bach flower remedies and ayurveda and shiatsu while I was waiting for my turn on the computer here. I'm going to check them out. I have a thing for alternative healing. I want to know everything about it, all modalities. I just wish I had more time.
I set a wedding date. July 26, 2003. I don't know what was holding me back from doing that. Probably the commitment-fear rising to top. I didn't feel that it was time. Too soon. But now I am sure. So. Sure. I will be with Ken for the rest of my life. I could never find someone better suited for me. And yes, we are different. And it is frustrating. But it is so exciting to move past a glitch, or a fight, or an issue and then find another level of intimacy of happiness. I love him. I have never felt this way about anyone. I have never been this happy. I. Am. Happy. La te da te da.
Now on to planning a wedding. Yikes. It is a lot of pressure to live up to the wedding ceremony and reception that live in my head. They are nice. Really, really beautiful. I am going to enjoy this. Enjoy.
Work is great. Still love it. I'm actually treating people now. Playing doctor. Bad visual, sorry.
The kids are good. And annoying. Funny. Challenging. The light of my world. I just have to remember to enjoy each day and moment and stop focusing on the fact that they will move out one day and leave me alone. Oldest's behaviours have been much better. My household is way calmer. Sigh.
Um, I can't remember what my last update included.
My 4Runner is on the road. And if I can just say one thing....."I LOVE power steering." It is so much fun to drive. And the stereo is so good. I should say the speakers are good because it is the same old stereo.
A thing just flashed on my screen that I have five minutes left in my session. But...wait....I didn't get to read all of my friends yet!!!!
Wednesday, Dec. 04, 2002I lloooooooovvee that you miss me.
My computer is not fixed. I turned it on, all virus ridden, and I am probably sending infected emails by the hundreds as I type this. Whatever, I already have the virus, what am I going to get it back again? I really should look into getting this thing fixed. Because I do really miss you guys so much. And I've been too damn productive. It is amazing what you can do with all the time you spend on your computer.
I was so excited to be online that I burnt my breakfast. Spinach, mushrooms and pine nuts. Sounds like barf. Now it is burnt barf. But I am hungry and happy to be here. Yum.
The Doc that I study under went away to California for a week. I was to be paid while he was gone. That was five weeks ago. He is still not back and I am still getting paid. Yay. They won't be back until the middle of December. Me and the other apprentice are running the clinic. I love it. I got a cheque for $800 the other day. How nice is that? Mind you I had already prespent it on my Visa but it was nice.
My birthday was December 2nd. I am 27 now and feeling fabulous. I have never been this happy or content before. I spent with great people and got good presents (because we all know that that is what really matters!).
My house is already decorated for Christmas. My shopping is very close to being finished. I am the Christmas Nazi this year.
Ok, I must go read all my faves before I waste the whole morning and have to run to work with my ball hat on still eating burnt spinach.
Love.
Thursday, Nov. 21, 2002My computer is whiggy whiggy whack, again. I think it has some type of viral infection making it ooze itchy puss from my email account. I'm all about being infected.
So, if I disappear. I am missing you. Because my computer is probably dead. I am at a point where I am so frustrated that I want to cancel my connection and use the phone, like in the 90's. We'll see what happens.
Things are great otherwise. We got satellite again. And I got the day off of work so I am going to watch Personal TLC all day long. Yummy! I love Trading Spaces.
And, and, and....I watched The Sweetest Thinglast night. It was so dumb and totally hilarious and made me miss, miss, miss my crazy friends and my life the way it was and being wild and having fun. I miss laughing.
So, watch it and think of me.
Love and kisses. I hope I will be back soon.
Sunday, Nov. 17, 2002I had a great weekend. I made Christmas cards, went to craft fairs and cleaned my house.
I am tired. One more week of paid work until the bosses get back and I assume my role as a student.
I'm not in an exciting update space right now. I feel like reading everyone else instead of writing about me.
I rented 'Saving Grace'. I'm waiting for Ken to get back from his parents so we can watch it. But it is getting late and I don't want to be up that late so I am going to go put on my flannies and start it. I'll fill him in. It's his fault for staying and chatting.
G'night.
Friday, Nov. 15, 2002I have a thing about Radiation. I am sitting in front of a monitor that says 'Low Radiaion'. Oh, Ok then.
I watched a tv program about how North American companies ship their old monitors to China. There is literally rivers of acid from inside the monitors flowing through the street. And poor people spend there days wading through the acid, and searching with their bare hands, for anything they can sell. They are likely going to die very soon.
And microwaves. You shouldn't stand in front of a microwave when it is on because harmful radioactive waves enter your body. But then we'll eat the food that was inside it?
Radiation causes cancer. Why is the high cancer rate so mysterious to some people.
Tv's, computers, cellphones, microwaves.
Smoking causes cancer because of a chemical reaction that occurs in your lungs that is radiation. Smoking is ecquivalent to having and XRay every day.
That is my thing today.
Friday, Nov. 15, 2002I'm still waiting for my truck to be done. He has told me 'of course it will be done by Tuesday' (or any other day) atleast four times. So I get all excited and then disappointed. Now I stopped asking. And I will drive my rusty little Honda until my finished truck reveals itself to me.
Do you think it is OK to leave chicken soup simmering on the stove while I'm gone to work for four hours?
Speaking of work. I have a way with being late. Not really late just 5 to 15 minutes late. Mostly because when it is time to go I like to sit down and check up on blogs and ebay.
I must go. Perhaps I'll be on time this morning.
Thursday, Nov. 14, 2002Yesterday I gave a treatment to a new patient at the clincic. We'll call him Luke. Actually, that is his real name because it doesn't really matter? (*For some reason I think I'm funny today. I keep laughing out loud at the things I type*)
Anyways. He is a drug addict. He filled out his info form trying to be funny and said that one of the things that he wanted to be treated for was a small penis. I never asked him about it but lets really presume it was a joke.
Anyways. It was a very amazing experience. He came in and spoke with us an then had to leave and come back at 5:00 for a free treatment (it was *free clinic wednesday*). He was so excited about quitting smoking, and drinking, and pot, and coke. It was inspiring. And I gave him a full body treatment, instead of only using the ears like I'm supposed to with addictions. When he left before his treatment he had gone down the street to a Mission where his friends are.
He said "I sold my T3's before I came here. I was going to buy pot. But now I'm going to buy acupuncture."
He lives in a hostel. He is on welfare.
It is hard for me to see people that have that glimmer of hope in them. They start to feel passionate about changing their lives and their substance abuse problems. But they can't, because of money. I hate money.
I am going to have a practice that makes no money. Because how in this world can you turn away someone that really wants to become healthier because they don't have any money?
And I am not naive enough to think that I can make his world all bright and sunny. And I know that he has been drug addicted for a long, long time. And I know that his addictions are probably covering up some festering emotional wounds. But I would like to take the time to find these things out. I would like to treat him as long as he feels he wants to keep being treated.
I am going to look into volunteering my services for detox-acupuncture at the Mission where he spends time. Maybe in thirty men I could make a difference to one. Maybe.
Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002This inkblot survey is very interesting because it revealed things that are exactly true about me and articulated things I couldn't put my voice around. Wow. Try it.
Rachael, your unconscious mind is driven most by Self-protection
Whether you know it or not, your unconscious mind is defending your internal emotional experiences. It acts like an emotional dam that helps you keep things in check. One reason for this could be that you have a deeply-rooted fear of being flooded by emotions. In response, your unconscious acts in the opposite manner, by protecting you from unpredictable, emotional tidal waves.
While this tendency might be useful in some circumstances, it may also at times make your emotions hard to articulate or grasp. And that can lead to some frustration.
Since you tend to appear level-headed to others, they feel they can count on you for sound opinions and advice. Another benefit of your unconscious drive is that it allows you to remain calm in the toughest of situations. This can be a real benefit for you during business negotiations or personal arguments because you're not apt to say damaging things that you'll have to apologize for later.
The only hazard with this drive towards self-protection, is you might filter out good emotions as well as the bad. That can leave you feeling like something is missing, something you can't quite place.
But ultimately, your unconscious is wise and will know if there is a time in the future where it would be beneficial to be different.
Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Self-protection, there is much more to who you are at your core.
Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2002Last night I farted in my Tai Qi class and it was stinky. These things happen, too all of us, sometimes. Luckily there is more than three people in my class now. But it was OK, becuase the old lady behind me farted twice, and hers were loud. I felt so bad for her. How embarrassing. But it made my stinky one pale in the shadows of her loud one. And all of this while breathing deeply and moving slowly.
I laughed the whole way home. Does toilet humour ever become less entertaining?
Monday, Nov. 11, 2002I really wish that Chloe's paternal side of the famiy were people that I got along with. I have tried to forgive and forget and leave the past in the past but they always do something new to make me not like them all over again. It makes me feel sad for her that we can't all get along. And of course, this mess is all my fault.
Sigh.
I felt like I was waiting on my Mother all weekend. She had a very good, very relaxing time and she loved being here. But I need some TLC now that she is gone. I nurture people for a living, aside from growing a new relationship and being a Mom and Stepmom. It is hard when someone else comes in and lays on my couch and half-heartedly offers to help with the dishes after I have given her three acupuncture treatments and cooked food for her all weekend. I am wishing now that I could be more accepting and forgiving and understanding of my Mother's behaviour. But for now I am just pissed off and tired.
Back to work tomorrow. Yay for long weekends. I cried today (like every year) when I see the old guys marching down the street so proudly in their uniforms. For most other things I can deny feelings, be cold, insensitive, but there I was weeping like a child on the street corner saying to Ken 'Look at the old guys...they are so...proud and old. Imagine their life.' I took pictures of them.
Monday, Nov. 11, 2002It has been nice to have many miles between my Mother and I. Then she is not inolved in our everyday lives. But when she visits....boy, does she ever visit. I never had to spend this much consecutive time with her in Victoria. Two and a half hours until her plane takes off....tick, tick, tick.
Saturday, Nov. 09, 2002And this quote is exact....
"You know all the times I said I was going to be a veterinaran when I got older? Well, I've decided I'm going to be a Rock Star. I'm going to be in movies and on tv. I'm going to be on tattoos!"
-Chloe-
Saturday, Nov. 09, 2002I wrote an entry earlier today but it is not here. I suppose I screwed up the posting portion somehow.
I saw a quote I like in a journal in the grocery store (yes, I am easily distracted) it went something like this (and this is by no means exact)....
We are all pilgrims on the same journey except some pilgrims have better maps.
Don't know who said it. Reminds of a quote I constantly think of when I start to judge others....and this one is not exact either.....'We are all at different stages of healing'
Love to ya.
Thursday, Nov. 07, 2002I wrote her back. Twice. The first one was catty and mean and juvenile and all the things I want to say but don't have the money to pay the lawyer bill after the repercussions hit......The second one is short, to the point, and takes the focus of me 'supplying' chloe so she can maintain a relationship to her maintaining one on her own. I am proud of me.
Thursday, Nov. 07, 2002I just ate a whole can of peaches.
I ate one yesterday too. Right before I napped for four hours. Then Ken made me turkey soup and brought it to me in bed on a tv tray thingy. So cute. I think he was feeling badly because he phoned home and woke me at 4 o'clock and asked me to go get the kids because he had to keep working. I was very annoyed. And then I got back home with the kids and he was already home.
Now I am going to go do some paper work kind of stuff. And then I am going to pick up the kids, take them to Oldest's counselling appointment. Then come home to give a treatment to my friend. Then I must clean the toothpaste gobbies out of the sink and put away all the laundry. I don't want to clean my house before my mother gets here.
Oh right. My mother is coming to visit tomorrow. She is staying three days. I look forward to it because she is my mom and it is comfortable. I am apprehensive about it because she can be overbearing. This will be a great lesson in setting boundaries.
Chloe's Dad's mother, also known as Chloe's paternal grandmother, mailed me a letter. This woman is very pushy and tells me how things shall be, like I have no choice, or no power to make the decisions in Chloe's life. While she annoys me, she also scares the shit out of me. I got a letter from her about six months ago stating that the visitation we discussed on the phone wasn't good enough for her. I didn't answer that letter. I didn't want to and she didn't request that I do. She didn't contact Chloe for six months. In that letter she stated that she "wants every effort made (on my part) to maintain the bond between (her)and Chloe." Then she didn't phone Chloe for six months. We visited Vancouver Island twice in that time.
What I offered wasn't good enough so she takes no visit? And she is pissed off with me so she stops communication with Chloe? I just don't understand.
Mind you these are the same people that go in their jacuzzi tub with her. All three of them, in the tub, in the middle of the day. I have never seen my grandpa's penis and, I'm not sure about you, but I don't think that is appropriate.
That is one inkling of the puzzle. Why did I start writing about this? Now I am going to obsess about it instead of studying. Argh!
Good bye.
