Thursday, Oct. 17, 2002
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
Many persons strive for high ideals
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disappointment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars.
You have a right to be here.
And whether it is clear to you or not,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be,
and whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrman, 1927.
Wow. Thank you.
Thursday, Oct. 17, 2002
Last night my best friend from Victoria called. Ken answered. I only talk to her about once or twice a month. He stayed on the phone for ten minutes chatting with her. It has happened like this before. This makes me angry. I wanted to throw the TV remote at his head. While he talks he says things like "Well, she is pacing and getting ancy, I better turn you over." It's funny to him that I am excited to talk to her and get frustrated when he dangles it in front of me like carrot......then when I'm busy doing something he says "Rachael, someone is waiting to talk to you." I told him I'm busy for a sec then when I'm ready to get the phone from him he starts taunting me about being impatient and keeps talking to her.
So I said to him sternly. "Ken, can I have the phone please?" He hands it to me and makes some "Jesus Christ!" comment. So I go downstairs into my office to speak with her. We talk for about half an hour.
I come back upstairs to apologize for being so angry. I say "I'm sorry I got so angry but it really bugs me when you do that." And he comes back with an angry tone. "Well, she wanted to talk to me so I was talking to her but next time I'll hand the phone over to you right away." I turned and went back down into my office for another hour.
Now I am contemplating the end of my relationship.
I can think of a couple of reasons that I got so angry. Because I got angry last time it happened too so it can't have that perfect of timing.
#1. I have very little that is mine. I have one friend here that I went to high school with. Her and Ken were good friends too. Therefore I don't speak to her about problems I am having with Ken. It would make her feel like she is stuck in the middle. He doesn't like her much (she has some depression, paranoia, irritability problems that he can't deal with) so she never comes over.
I have another friend that became as equally good of friends with him while she became good friends with me. When I'm upset and speak to her about Ken she tells him what I say. It is in an effort to help fix the problem but still. Sometimes I need someone to vent with, and then we talk and bounce ideas off of each other, cry, laugh, and then I approach to fix it myself. And I know that what I say will never go beyond her. She is obviously not that kind of friend.
A couple of times I have had different women invite me out to socialize. One night it was to go to the local pub with two girls. I was toying with the idea but Ken comes back with the "Well, I was really hoping to go to the pub tonight too but we can't both go because the kids are sleeping." So I didn't go. When I am invited somewhere.....like a drink for the second-mentioned friend's birthday. He says things like "I remember when I used to get invited and now that you came along they don't even remember about me." So, I go out for the birthday drink with the girls....but have to watch the clock so I can come home after an hour so he can have his turn going out for a drink, even though he was not invited. And when I got home he says something like "Oh, I thought I lost you" implying that I took a really long time. I feel like he resents the fact that people like me and want to hang out with me. And then he gets pissed off at me like my best friend from Victoria is as much his as she is mine.
#2 He has become very attached to my Stepmom. He doesn't have a great relationship with either of his parents. At some points he icq's and emails with her and speaks to her more than I do. It made me very angry at the start of all of it. She has been a very special part of my life. And I used to talk to her about everything. What I need is someone to talk to that doesn't have his best interests in mind as much as mine. Because he clung on to her, it took that away. I can't talk to her like I used to. I resent him for that.
So I am angry about all of this. And he is angry. We didn't talk last night and he didn't say goodbye to me this morning. So, up comes all the other issues I have about living here and our relationship. They are living in my head again. And I entertain the idea of leaving. I am unsure of whether I can ever be happy living in a home like this. And that is a really hard thing to think. But I have told him that.
I said to him "I am not happy living here. Things have got to change." Nothing has changed and he still hasn't read that fucking book. Five weeeks...five weeks I have been asking him to do fifteen minutes of reading to look at how he speaks to his kids and why it is difficult for me to be around. There is so many elements of this relationship that needs work.
And I am so busy. I go to work and then grocery shopping, pick up a birthday present, come home to study for a few hours, put dinner on, go pick up the kids, feed them, bath them, oh yes...listen to the oldest one be an asshole for a couple of hours, then put them to bed.
When life is so consuming it is difficult to have a huge project at home. Where is the place for rest? When do I get to nurture myself? And am I willing to do what it takes to change the things at home that I don't think I can deal with? My child and my relationship with my child are fine. It is my relationship with Ken and the way he parents that I feel needs to change. And I have told him this. And he has agreed. But so far I am the only one that is doing any work to change things. And I can't do this alone. I will not even try to do it alone because it can't be done. I can be the best parent in the world. I can acknowledge my kid's feelings, and not punish, and support their autonomy...but if he still constantly threatens huge punishments, yells, does not carry through any threats, grabs his kid by the throat or flicks him in the head, things will not change. My favourite is when he lays on the couch and yells at the kids "BE QUIET!!". Or smacks one of them in the head and says "don't hit your brother."
Whenever Chloe has had a problem behaviour the first thing I have done is look at my own behaviour. Children learn from what they see. Parental action and reaction shapes them. How they act when they are angry is learned somewhere. And oldest stepson acts just like Ken. If Ken would change, Oldest would change.
This life is too crazy. Too crazy for me?
Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2002Whenever I actually get started studying I don't want to stop. Like now. But I have to eat and shower and get ready to go to the clinic. I should make more study time. I dread it and avoid it but when I do it is so enjoyable.
I'm heating up turkey soup.
We didn't get the van that we bid on. The bank wants $11,000 for it. We won't pay that much, even though it is a good deal, because we can't really test driv it or have it checked by a mechanic. So, I have to go back to being satisfied with my shitty little car. I didn't even have a pouty tantrum. Ken did because the repo-guy had told him that we could have it so he was planning the financing and having it cleaned up, to surprise me. How sweet is he? I shall keep visualizing myself in the car I want to be in.
Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2002Stolen from Courtney.
10 years ago,I was.....
Sixteen years old.
In Grade Eleven.
More worried about cheerleading, gossip and fashion than Math, Biology or English.
I thought I was fat.
I would hang out in the 'parking lot' smoking with my 'cool' friends.
5 years ago, I...
Was pregnant with Chloe.
And extrememly scared.
Worked as a waitress.
Was very lonely.
Ate a lot of fries with ketchup and Dairymilk icecream bars.
2 years ago, I...
Was living with Celestino (Big C).
Started my online diary.
Was going to University majoring in Creative Writing.
Had a great circle of friends, and social life, despite being a single Mom.
1 year ago, I...
Finished my first year of Chinese Medicine.
Met Ken.
Moved to Kamloops.
Turned my life upside down.
Made the best possible decision for me and Chloe.
Yesterday, I...
Worked at the clinic from 8 until 12.
Went shopping at Costco.
Bought the stepsons birthday presents.
Made Turkey soup.
Fell asleep on the couch watching a movie.
Today, I...
Slept until 8:30am.
Put on my most comfortable outfit.
Took Chloe to daycare.
Ate lentils and brown rice for breakfast.
Updated my diary.
Tomorrow, I will...
Wake up late.
Study all day.
Go shopping with Ken.
Do laundry.
Watch Survivor, Friends and Will and Grace (can you stand the way he talked to her? We LOVE Leo!)
Five things I have brand loyalty to:
Glad garbage bags.
Rebar fruit and veggie bar
Haagen Daz
Russell sweat pants
Elita underwear
Five snacks I enjoy:
Rebar
Almonds
Canned peaches
Popcorn
Haagen Daz bars
My five biggest joys at the moment:
Chloe
Building relationships with my stepsons.
Having Ken as my partner in life.
My family.
Scrapbooking.
Studying Chinese Medicine.
Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2002Today I am thankful that I don't have to eat any more turkey.
Saturday, Oct. 12, 2002I've just finished cleaning my house.
My dad and stepmom are arriving today for the weekend. I'm going to get some serious scrapbooking done. One day I'll take pictures, if I can, of some of my scrapbook pages. I love to show them off.
Um, yup. I'm cooking turkey tomorrow. (It is Canadian Thanksgiving on Monday) First one. I'm a turkey-virgin. We are going to use Stepmom's Mom's recipe. Her Mom passed away. She was an amazing Italian cook. Because she is Italian of course.
She has been my Stepmom for 22 years. I hate the 'step' part of stepmom. I wish there was a better name for it. She is more like a best friend with a bit of Mom thrown in. I love her.
Friday, Oct. 11, 2002I figured out the problem with my computer allowing me to upload from the camera. So we have a special viewing today. The colour of the paint in my office isn't what it looks like in these photos but you can get an idea. It is flat green, not the psychadelic 60's it looks like here.
The shelves we built and stained. It is kind of a dark green colour.
My supplies
The bed
This curtain rod was an old bamboo ski pole. I bought a pair for two dollars and put some crazy finials on the end.
The stack of files I have to work on since I spent all my time working on the room.
My fountain.........
My Angel of Healing.......
Friday Five (.org)
1. If you could only choose 1 cd to ever listen to again, what would it be?
Ani Difranco.....um, Little Plastic Castles, or Out of Range, or Up up up up.
2. If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?
Oh God, I can't think of anything. I would way rather read.
3. If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would they be?
Oh, how convenient. Open House by Elizabeth Berg, What Looks like Crazy on and Ordinary Day by Pearl Cleage, and The Cure for Death by Lightning by Gail Anderson Dargatz.
4. If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink ever again, what would they be? Water, Haagen Daz Bars, Cheeseburgers, and Pad Thai.
5. If you could only choose 5 people to ever be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be?
This question is mean! Chloe. My Sis. My Mom. Ken. My Dad. And my best friend Michelle. (so, that is six, who is counting)
Thursday, Oct. 10, 2002Does anyone have the guts to have their diary reviewed? I don't think I could do it. Reviews and bungee jumping scare me. What if I'm really boring. And my typos, my god, my typos.
Thursday, Oct. 10, 2002Ugh. I am an updating machine!
I took some lovely photos of my office and all my favourite and non-favourite parts of my office. I want to share them with you......
But in my new fancy, fresh, empty computer it finds an error when I try to install the USB driver. Now I cannot upload the photos of my space. Wah!
Thursday, Oct. 10, 2002 Thursday, Oct. 10, 2002I think that Twiggle's Husband takes amazing pictures. I would put so many of those up in my house. I need to find a talent like that. One that would help me decorate my house nicer, that is.
Oh, I redid my office. It is amazing now. Not quite done yet. I need to get curtains and a rod. And put the casings around the window. But it is really yummy in there. I love it, I love it. The only thing is that the carpet really, really doesn't match now. But I want to find some kind of area rug that I could put over it.
It was a real 'trading spaces' type job. So much fun.
Today I must sit in there all day and study. I have been painting and standing and nailing and screwing instead of studying. I have a stack of files to the ceiling to work on.
On Sunday I went up to my friend's house. She lives on our local ski mountain about 1/2 hour out of town. I saw two patients and made $60. That is $30 an hour.
And the Dr. I work with was in California for a week. So he was paying me to go to work last week. Yay! I'm sure it will be about $9 an hour. But it is a little something extra. Usually I pay him $800 per month to work there.
And, we found a Repo Van that we are putting a bid in on. I never saw myself driving a mini-van. I think it is best if none of us picture that. But with my car, an '87 civic, there is the constant feeling that is going to die on me. And I drive the highway into town every day to go to work.
It is a '98 Plymouth Grand Voyager. It is Burgandy. The Bank says they want $11,000 for it. Our friend that is the sales manager at a dealership told us that wholesale it is worth $12,500. The Repo Guy said "I'd just offer them Seven."
The van has been there for a month. There is most likely no other bidders. Repo guy wants it gone because he pays daily to keep it where it is. Every day he loses money. And he told us that sometimes they phone the bank and say something like "someone made a bid at seven grand and it hasn't seen much action. I think you won't get much more than that because the carpets are all stained and there is scratches in the paint."
I have a good feeling about this. It only has 75,000 kms. And Ken's brother is an auto detailer. He could get the carpets clean and get the scratches out of the van........hope the stars are aligned for us today. We'll find out on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
And I thought I didn't feel like writing today. Ahh.
Pics to come soon. Of my office and maybe my new van ***crosses fingers and raises eyebrows excitedly***
I must take the two little ones over to their daycare now. I must get in my little space and get some paperwork on.
I sure missed you.
Wednesday, Oct. 09, 2002
You are Ani Difranco!
Self-obsessed and self-possessed,you are a strong woman with a social conscience,
who centers her life around her art. You pour your life experience and passion
into your art, presenting ideas that resonate deep in the souls of others.
Take the "Which Empowered Female Artist Are You" Quiz
made by
I disappeared. I had a virus and had to reformat and nobody even missed me? Hmph.
Saturday, Sept. 28, 2002I invited Ken to come with me to Vancouver this weekend.
He said "I'm not going because there is a lot of things that I need to catch up on around here."
Now he is playing in a baseball tournament with all his friends.
After he told me he wasn't going to play Fall Ball. And then he went to a game and afterwards I said "I thought you weren't going to play Fall Ball?" and he told me it was practice for tournament that was three weeks ago. And he said "No, I'm not going to play."
He tried to go to a game on Wednesday but I work late and he had all three kids. He decided it wouldn't work out.
But he's playing a tournament this weekend.
That is what I am obsessing and angry and weepy about today.
Him and I need to have a serious relationship review because there is a lot of things that are going on in my head that need to come out or I will be crazy.
Friday, Sept. 27, 2002I wish relationships weren't so much work. I don't have time to put in effort and communicate. It seems I am getting annoyed about everything lately but having no time to discuss it. Life is busy these days. Yup. Yup. So busy that we go to bed at 9:30 pm. I'm up late partying and he's been in bed for half an hour already.
My friend was here having a treatment and then we were discussing the makeover of my office. Oh...I'm going to go so Trading Spaces on it!
That's all. I suppose my party night is over. I'm tired now and I will rest. I'm taking Chloe to Soccer tomorrow and then we are going to Vancouver for two nights. Should be fun. I get to visit my sis, neice, Mom, Step mom and Dad. All at different times of course. So, I'll be back in a couple of days.
Mwah!
Friday, Sept. 27, 2002In my local newspaper I found an advertisement for the local Nudist's club. They are having a Nude Swim in our town's big pool. Public Welcome!
I'm thinking about getting a six pack and gettin' some serious people watching done!
Thursday, Sept. 26, 2002Parent Teacher Meeting went fine. I was pleased to learn that Stepson's Mom is as appalled by his latest behaviours as I am. Ken doesn't seem so upset about it. Maybe her and I can get somewhere with this. I bet she'd read the books if I gave them to her.
Is it possible to be happily married to someone who is very different from yourself?
Ken and I don't have the same interests. Or likes. We are totally different kinds of people. He is a small town, meat and potatoes, truck driver that barely made it through high school and is going to buy his dad's business. I am an independant, somewhat educated, socially aware, woman who loves tofu and curry and takes tai qi and studies acupuncture because I know that I am a healer. I follow what the universe tells me and he follows the town gossip. We communicate differently. Mostly he says things that don't feel like belong in a serious conversation. His thoughts don't fit in the conversational puzzle with mine. We have completely different realities. We parent differently. We react differently.
Can we possibly be suited for eachother?
Thursday, Sept. 26, 2002Somebody updat dammit. I am bored and want to procrastinate. I already finished working on six patient files this morning.
Oldest's parent teacher meeting is at one o'clock. I suppose I best go to that. Even if I fell like I'm not wanting to.
Well, maybe I'll go do one or two more files and then have a shower for a reward. Yay!
Thursday, Sept. 26, 2002Yeesh. I am having some terrible cramps. This calls for a treatment. They started at 4 in the morning.
So, it all makes sense about my overblown anger in the past while. I have been miserable for three weeks but very angry for about one. Perhaps hormones helped me blow things up a bit bigger than they were. But I don't want that to become the reason I was so upset, well, still am. So when I woke up with cramps, I didn't want Ken to know, so he wouldn't write all these issues off as PMS.
And yes, I am still angry. I had a fabulous day at work yesterday. I leave there on an energetic high. But about half an hour after I walk in the door it shrinks and I become hostile.
I don't want my home to make me hostile. But to have it be the kind of place I want it to be it will take a lot of work. I don't agree with many of the ways that Ken parents. I'm sure it is difficult to have a child with someone and mesh parenting styles. We learn how to parent from how we were parented. But to have been doing it for years and then try to combine two styles. Argh!
Oldest Stepson has a counselling appointment tonight. Which I suppose is good. But I'm feeling like I don't even want to go. I want so hard to help and change things but my ideas are not being welcomed so I get frustrated which makes me want to wash my hands of the situation, learn how to tolerate the boy and stay out of it. That is not a healthy answer.
I am just full of self pity.
His appointment is at 5:00 until 6:00. I have a patient at 7:00. And the Open House at the school is from 6:30 to 8:00. Chloe really wants to go to the school tonight and so do I. I haven't really spent a lot of time in her school. So I best put on my cape and figure this shit out, eh?
Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2002- he wants to communicate about everything
- he tells me he loves me six times a day
- when he finds out that something is troubling me he does everything in his power to change whatever it is
- he is the absolute best dad he can be
- even though he knows nothing about things like detox diets, reiki, tai qi, acupuncture, tarot cards, he supports me in enjoying them. And he does his best to understand what I do.
Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002
Here is my solution for irritability. I feel much better now. Writing here and treating myself. I look a little freaky, hey?
Basically it comes down to this. Oldest Stepson is behaving poorly. Stealing money out of his teacher's desk and the rest of it. Everyday he does something that causes controversy. It is getting difficult to be around. And he is only eight.
It is my opinion, as much as it matters, that the poor boy is walking around with a huge sign stating "I AM HAVING ANGRY FEELINGS, I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE ANGRY ANYMORE. PLEASE HELP ME." This is all about divorce. I am also an angry child of divorce.
I talked to Ken about it the night before last. I told him that I am not happy living here. There is way too much yelling and conflict and anger. I am tired of being disrespected by an eight year old. There is some serious behaviour issues that need to be dealt with. I do not want to bring my child up with a model like Oldest stepson.
I communicated what I was feeling. This is something that is difficult for me. I can't stand conflict and can't stand to hurt anyone else by telling them how I feel.
Basically he told me that he is not sure what to do. I suggested that what we have been doing is not working. It is time to try something else. By the time he is twelve he will be completely out of control. I think we should get him to see a counsellor who is effective and do some research on how best to parent a child that is so angry.
Stepson has been to couselling in the past. We went back to see the same guy last week. Obviously this guy doesn't cut it. He has not gotten to the root of the problems. He is teaching how to manage the anger not heal the cause of it.
I bought books, that were suggested to me, and sounded very good. I am not afraid to admit that I need help when it comes to parenting. It is a difficult job with no training or prior experience. Ken agreed to read them. This was on Friday. In one of them you are supposed to read a chapter at a time and employ the skills you have learned and then move on to the next chapter. I am really excited about this. I love finding ways to make my child's life a happier place. I am so fed up with what goes on around here and I think that this will help. He hasn't touched that book yet. The second one is titled "The Angry Child". It is so interesting. About phases of anger, how and why children get angry and how to diffuse and move on.
I cannot do this alone. He is a more important player than I am when it comes to his sons.
And.....when our vehicles were broken into someone stole Ken's cell phone and wallet. On Friday, we got a bill for a cell phone that was in Ken's name for $511. We figured that the thieves signed up for it. He became obsessed with it. He has been determined to find out who broke into our vehicles. I became angry on the weekend about how much energy he was investing in his investigation work. I told him. Nothing changed. Then yesterday a cell phone bill comes in his brother's name for $911. Now he is in overdrive. It seems so juvenile. There is larger problems here. Let it go.
I even suggested that if there was a clue to who the stealer was in the parenting book would he read it?
I am fed up. I am tired. I am frustrated. And all he cares about is his fucking Magnum P.I. work.
It is frustrating to learn about language that is causing behavioural problems in our house, from the book. And then listen to him use while he refuses to learn.
And I have chosen him to parent my daughter for the rest of her life?
I am angry and sad and frustrated and hurt and tired. I have no coping skills left. I am crying all the time.
And he comes in our room last night and says "Don't be angry Ok?".....YAH, OK!
Monday, Sept. 23, 2002
I am having some large family issues. Can't write about it right now. But I will. Soon.
Sunday, Sept. 22, 2002I am beginning to learn the enormity of the difficulty of step-parenting and blended families.
Sunday, Sept. 22, 2002Look at me all swanky like with my new comments. Thank you, thank you, thank you to Twiggle and Catie and to all of you who are excited that I have comments. I am very excited too.
Saturday, Sept. 21, 2002It is c-c-c-cold here. Took Chlo to soccer and now my body is numb. I have things to tell but must wait for my fingers to thaw out.
I think someone special is going to make me some "comments" on my page. At the demand of Megs. That would be way so cool and exciting.
I'm going to make lentil soup today. Looks like barf but is oh, so delicious.
Um, yah. I think I need a hot tub today for sure.
Friday, Sept. 20, 2002Friday Five
1. Would you say that you're good at keeping in touch with people?
Um. No, I think about it though.
2. Which communication method do you usually prefer/use: e-mail, telephone, snail mail, blog comments, or meeting in person? Why?
It depends on who it is. I use snail mail, email, and ICQ a lot. Then you don't get stuck in a 3 hour phone conversation.
3. Do you have an instant messenger program? How many? Why/why not? How often do you use it?
Yes, ICQ. That is the only one. I use it everyday with my sister, stepmom, grandma, uncle and a couple of friends.
4. Do most of your close friends live nearby or far away?
They are all far away. I have friends here but it is different when you haven't known them for years.
5. Are you an "out of sight, out of mind" person, or do you believe that "distance makes the heart grow fonder"?
Again, it depends on who we are talking about and how annoying they are. For the most part I become fonder of people when there is distance between us. Especially if it is my mother.
Friday, Sept. 20, 2002One of the things I loved about my ex-boyfriend was that I got cheap cigarettes and cheap gas because he is status native.
But now I quit smoking and I have a company gas card from Ken's work.
This occured to me today. I think it says a lot on a very shallow level.
Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002I found a great new project here. Every Wednesday you list some "Reasons for Love". I missed the first one yesterday but I am going to be adding them up over the week. What a great thing to focus on. Instead of reasons for annoyance.
Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002
 | WATER OF WATER. Pretty lady! Fair and gentle, your empathy attracts others to you. Possibly psychic, you are pure emotion and are more likely to act on feeling rather than practical thought or logic. You think that's just fine because imagination is important. You are the Whore of Babylon with her cup of abominable things, the Medium of Endor and in the mundane world you usually make a good wife and mother. You shine when you are able to give emotional support to others. |
This really makes me want to get back to my tarot cards. I started learning when I moved here. It amazes me.
Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002This morning my friend, Liz, is coming over. She is going to be my test subject. She has severe irritability and PMS mood swings. (we have so much in common!) I have been wanting to have my very own patient that I can follow up with and try new things and figure stuff out with. And she really wants acupuncture but feels to bad to do it for free, because I would, but can't afford to pay me. So here is our medium. I am excited to start. I even created a diagnosis questionaire of my very own. This is good.
Other than that. I'm doing laundry.
Oldest step-son has a counselling appointment tonight. Should be interesting. Things have to get better because I can't stand living in a house full of anger, only when the boys are here, of course.
Mmm. I've been rather irritable and depressed the last couple of weeks. It is starting to annoy me now. I miss feeling joy.
Survivor is tonight. That may create some joy. And popcorn. I'll make popcorn.
Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002I'm trying to learn how to knit from a website.
#1 Because I love scarves.
#2 Because I could make scarves for Christmas presents. I mean, come on, who doesn't love a good scarf?
I need a granny to teach me. The website is not working.
Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002
That's my snack for at work. A little ambitious maybe but I hate to go hungry. Hungry no, late yes. Because I think I will be late because of this entry. I also need to eat my soup before I leave which I also took a picture of for your soup-viewing-pleasure but it didn't turn out very well. I took some pictures of me because I think I look hot today. But apparently I don't, says the camera. I had the zoom on one and man I have bad skin....
That would be all. Yes, I am obsessed with my camera. And look how cute Twiggle is. I have the same iron as her. And I'm not very happy about that Brocoli business down there. But perhaps true.....
Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002
I'm a broccoli! I'm introverted but always try to be more outgoing. I'm sort of dim on the outside but inside I'm really a good person and always trying to fit in. Even though a lot of people don't like me, they really do learn to love me!
Take the Vegetable Quiz at quizlets.tk!
by Krysten!
I am sad today.
I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for a Tai Qi class to start in my neighbourhood here. And last night at 6 o'clock I got a message that it was starting at 7 o'clock that same night! So I got on my Tai Qi pants and put my ponytail in and hopped in the truck and headed to the hall.
And it was fabulous. I have been having some stress management problems. Mainly low energy, weepiness and severe irritability. The problem is too much stress and a woman who doesn't take care of herself.
Then I asked how much it cost. It is $90 for this session that lasts until the beginning of December. When I was there I was thinking....I don't care how I am going to get the money, I am doing this for myself. I'll even borrow it off of my mom or dad.......and then I got home. I felt great and had a bath and then I realized....there is no $90, therefore there is no Tai Qi, I shouldn't have tortured myself by going in the first place......
If we had an extra $90 then I could put it on the Visa to pay down the debt from acupuncture supplies, or buy a new textbook, or pay off the washing machine or my visa, or ....or.....or.....
Sigh.
Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002Did you know that I sit down and read diaries before I even eat lunch. And I am starving.
I try my hardest not to be a nag in my relationship. But last night I bordered on it and now things are getting done today. As soon as he knows that I am upset or frustrated about something he does what he can to change it. Perhaps I should actually let him know when I am, in fact, upset and frustrated.
He is going to make some calls about borrowing the money to buy the business he runs from his father. This is a very good thing. Then he would not come home resenting what his father did or bought with company money or said or didn't say. And he will be happier.
And we will have loads more money.
And I could get a new vehicle. Mine is so bad. I constantly smell like exhaust, mmmmm pretty. One day.....
Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2002
At breakfast this morning.
