Monday, Feb. 10, 2003
Me: I am getting tired of looking for jobs. I don't want to be let down again.
Ken: When I think about it, I think about whoever doesn't hire you is losing out. You are amazing, you radiate. Everybody notices it. Ask Liz, she'll know what I'm talking about.
Of course, he is madly in love with me. It is so nice to know that even one person on this planet thinks that I 'radiate'.
Monday, Feb. 10, 2003
I am the number 1 I am the loneliest number _ |
How sad is that??
Monday, Feb. 10, 2003I landed on the side of my foot coming down off of my step in aerobics this morning. It hurt like hell but I was more embarassed than I was in pain......
Nothing a few needles won't fix.
Gotta go get pretty and go and beg, beg, beg for a job.
I feel so boring lately but this job hutn is all I am obsessed about. Must. Find. Work. Mostly I just want money so I can buy things.
Monday, Feb. 10, 2003The weather in my city is so amazingly beautiful right now. It is sunny and blue skies and looks like spring. I'm getting the feeling like it is spring, and the sunshine can fill me up and melt away all the winter depressies. Aaahh.
Sunday, Feb. 09, 2003I am going to apply at a hair salon today. They are looking for a receptionist. Ah, good hair for less expensive. But, the pressure to wear great clothes....and the salon is in the mall. We'll just have to see now, eh?
Saturday, Feb. 08, 2003Look. Start leaving more comments. Yes you. I know you are here.
Friday, Feb. 07, 2003Today I decided that I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I went to the gym this morning and then went grocery shopping.
My plan was to come home and give myself acupuncture, reiki, meditate and even study my tarot cards. I want some time for me. The innnermost energy-me. I need to reconnect and ask which way to go. I planned on turning up the furnace and closing myself in my office. That is my space. It is all me in there. And turning on my fountain and my soft music and resting. I want to empty my head out, take a look around and fill it up again. I was so excited about the prospect of taking care of me. Of using the time to make myself feel good.
I have been depressed and irritable and weepy and way, way, way down in the dumps. I hate living my life like this. I have always believed that we make a choice about how to live our lives. I'm just going through a hard time. This too, shall pass.
Then I got home and my friend/neighbour needs to borrow my computer so she is coming over to type an essay. Argh. I don't want to visit. I might just lock myself in my office and leave her a note on the door to let herself in. I suppose that is kind of rude.
But today at 4:00 Ken's sons come back. That means that I have a super kid weekend ahead of me. This is my last chance, until Monday of course.....
Friday, Feb. 07, 2003The Friday Five.
1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not? A can of tuna with celery and pepper on it.
2. What's your favorite cereal? If I could eat cereal....it would probably be cheerios or quaker harvest crunch.
3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change? We eat out once every three months. Having three kids sucks on the social life and the bank account.
4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that? I think we might have 'water chicken' (aka sole) with dill and rice and carrots and asparagus. Or chicken nuggets and tator tots.
5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why? Today, it is subway. I would kill for a foot long turkey on harvest wheat with tomato, lettuce, cucumber and caesar dressing. Mmmmm.
Thursday, Feb. 06, 2003I found the perfect job for me.
Today I went to leave my resume and dazzle them with my intelligence, friendly nature, and wit. I flash them my best, freshly flossed, smile and she says "I'm sorry, the position has been filled."
I wanted to yell at her "Yah, well, fuck you!" Instead I enquired about their product, took some literature, got in my truck and started crying.
I feel so defeated. That job would have been perfect for me.
I would really like to know what the universe's plan is, because this is getting annoying and I'm bored and broke and depressed.
Even the jobs that I applied for that I really don't want, they don't want me anyways. I can't even get a job doing data-entry for minimum wage.
Sigh.
Wednesday, Feb. 05, 2003Both of my offers were accepted! And so quickly. It is comforting to know that other people are as obsessed as I.
Now, you'll have to excuse me. I am going to get myself a job.
Wednesday, Feb. 05, 2003I just made an offer on Ani Difranco's new box set, live album. The swapper didn't like it...she just doesn't like live stuff. That is a $40 cd in Canada that I could never afford. Cross your fingers she accepts. And only 15 points!
I also made and offer on Michael Jackson's 'Bad'. I know, I'm sorry but....The Way You Make Me Feel, and Man in the Mirror, and I Just Can't Stop Loving You. I can get past the nose and the kid dangling and the blatant lying saying he has never had plastic surgery. What a creep, hey?
Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003Oprah is really helping me get rid of pent up emotions. I spend every day from 3-4:00 with big fat tears streaming down my face.
Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003Today I have baked oatmeal cookies and banana bread, made lentil soup, watched Spirit and ate popcorn with Chloe and went to two different work search centres.
I am getting tired of writing cover letters trying to make myself out to be fabulous.
The dog pee only got to about 10 books. That was good. I got my first cd from Swappingtons today. The Dixie Chicks, Fly. I am so excited.
And I got my child support cheques from the Family Maintenance Enforcement Program. That means that for the rest of Chloe's life I won't ever have to ask her dad for the cheques. This service gets the cheques from him and sends them to me. Yay. I have been waiting five years for this to start.
He still hasn't answered my email. I think it's time I send another note.
American Idol is on tonight.
Yup.
Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003Last night we tied Karma, by her leash, to the leg of the kitchen table. Usually she has free roam of the kitchen at night but she has been causing a bit of trouble. She eats the drywall. That is, the actual wall. There was one big spot and then yesterday I noticed that she started on another new spot.
We don't have a crate for her. That would be my first choice so we leashed her to the table praying that she doesn't chew the leash to shit.
Well in the middle of the night she had to pee. Usually she would pee far across the kitchen. But she was leashed, so she couldn't get very far. So she peed as far away from her sleep spot as she could. Which is very close to my computer desk. And under my computer desk was a box of books that I have up for swap at Swappingtons.
About 30 books. They look like they have water damage but really it is dog-pee damage. How disappointing.
Monday, Feb. 03, 2003Argh! I want a job!
It is three days after payday. Ken and I both have $0. Looking at the next month and knowing that I can't buy a cup of tea if I wanted to is pretty sad.
Friday, Jan. 31, 2003I just ate a big piece of lamb for breakfast. Yum. Kenny didn't make it home from work until 9:00 last night so I got his dinner for breakfast. When you feel like you have been eating the same six things every day for the last four months a big slab of lamb is delicious. Baaaa. But couldn't they call it something else, like how cows are beef and pigs are pork.
Still no answer from Chloe's dad.
Still no call about any kind of employment.
I'm off to the gym for the third time this week. And then to the grocery store because it is payday! Yay for food! Well, it's Ken's payday....heh.
Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003These proverbs were finished by first grade students in Toronto.
Better to be safe than ........... punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ........ bug is close
It's always darkest before ....... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of ....termites
You can lead a horse to water but ..... how?
Don't bite the hand that ......... looks dirty
No news is .......... impossible
A miss is as good as a .......Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new ....... math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning
Love all, trust ....... me
The pen is mightier than the ....pigs
An idle mind is ............ the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's ........ pollution
Happy the bride who ........... gets all the presents
A penny saved is ........ not much
Two's company, three's ....... the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have
to blow your nose
There are none so blind as ....... Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not ...... spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed ....get new batteries
You get out of something only what you ..... see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind ........ get out of the way
And the teacher's favourite .....
Better late than ..........pregnant
Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003I just took my dogs for a hella walk and now my fingers are very cold and numb. Justice only peed on Karma's head once. That sounds like it could be some great analogy. It's not, it's about pee.
No one has called me to come and work for them. No one loves me. Phone me employers....make me feel wanted!
I must go snack on some 'Chocolate Marble Fudge' Rice Dream, a non-dairy dessert. Yum.
I ordered my first thing from Swappingtons. All my begging and pleading worked. Now, how come I don't have a job yet??
Wednesday, Jan. 29, 2003I hate, hate, hate (yes hate!) that prescription drugs are advertised on television.
Wednesday, Jan. 29, 2003If you see police with radar while you are driving do you flash your lights to the oncoming cars so they will know?
I had a vehicle do that the other day. So, I was even more careful about my speed. And then I thought 'what if he just turned his lights on by accident and then turned them off?'.
Do people still do that?
Wednesday, Jan. 29, 2003Megs asked and so I will tell you.
I Want.....
~ to be able to be honest with myself, and excavate, and heal, and mend, and forgive.
~ to work, paid or unpaid, doing something that makes me feel good.
~ my daughter to grow up to be an honest, intelligent, introspective, self-confident, strong, compassionate woman.
~ my house to be clean.
~ to see my sister and my best friend more. often
~ my puppy to listen to my commands.
~ my mother to realize the way she communicates with me is not healthy.
~ my hair to grow another two inches, quickly.
~ to have a wedding, just the way we want it, to illustrate and celebrate how much love ken and I share.
~ everyone in the world to be a little bit kinder, to themselves and to others.
~ a digital camera.
Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003I just sent a long, strong, full of numbers and dollar signs email to Chloe's dad. Wish me luck...hope he has changed his ways from being king-cheap-asshole.
Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003What a fabulous way to deal with conflicting situations and emotions. That entry made me burn my pine-nuts this morning. It was worth it.
I got Chloe's dad's financial info. He should be paying twice as much support as he is. Wish me luck in trying to suck it out of him.
I spent the morning job searching on the net and writing cover letters. I am going to take the two littlest kids to school at noon and head into town. I'm going to go back to the place where I really, really, really want the job and say hello. There is a restaurant that is hiring servers (blech!) that I am going to apply to. I have to go to the bank and check a couple of work search centers for postings.
This is what my life has come down to.
I did go out to someone's home and give two acupuncture treatments last night. That was nice and it made me feel useful. They paid me $40.
I am so glad that Evan got rid of MoJo. She is so ambitious it is obnoxious.
My life has come down to baking cookies and watching trashy, stereotyping, brainwashing, disgusting television. Kind of fun for a while, really.
I can honestly say now that there is NO way that I could ever be happy as a stay-at-home mom. It is a possibility for me. If I did we would save $900 per month in daycare costs. And Ken's exwife would save about $400. But I am bored, and lonely, and I do have PMS but my temper is as short as a grain of rice.
I think I am a better mom and stepmom when I am doing something that I love with my time. I need to get out and interact and feel like I have purpose. Doing laundry and cleaning and parenting is a purpose, yes, but I can manage to do those things on the evenings and weekends.
I love my kids. But they are bored staying home with me too. I am not a let's-do-some-interesting-kid-craft kind of person. They want to socialize too. They keep asking me if they can go to daycare instead of staying here.
On Oprah yesterday it was about 'What should I do with my life'. It made me want to find that out for myself.
Monday, Jan. 27, 2003I just organized my closet into
A) casual
B) wrecked, slummy, painting/camping clothes (this seems to be the biggest section, I get a lot of grease/paint stains on my clothes that makes them no good)
C) dress clothes (this section is very small, the amount not the clothing size, and all black)
D) I would wear this if it fit me
Monday, Jan. 27, 2003I got Four Points!!! But it cost me $4.92 to send the book. Maybe lowering the points value on my items was not the best idea. Ah, just until I get enough points to get the cd I want.
I went to the gym this morning *gasp*. I did a step class. It was pretty good. It felt good to sweat again. The teacher made us actually run up ten flights of stairs. I did not like that....but it did make things interesting.
I have no job yet.
I am not going to look today. I am going to do laundry and watch Trading Spaces and maybe I'll walk my dogs.
I love my dogs. I am so happy that we got the puppy, she makes my heart sing.
I have been really grumpy and bitter the last couple of days. And I have two zits. Perhaps PMS....I lost calculation of wether it should be time.
My hands are always cold lately. I hate that.
Sunday, Jan. 26, 2003I listed a bunch more books at Swappington's. And I lowered my points value on everything I listed. Hopefully someone will want something I have and then I can get some of that stuff I have been pining for.....please, please, please.
I'm taking the kids to the pool today. Could be fun, could make me pull my hair out. I am going crazy with no job or social life. I am so bored that I want to paint my house for something to do. Cabin fever....
Oh, and I at a huge burger with a fresh bun and ALL the fizings. And fries with ketchup. And for dessert a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream with a bit of chocolate sauce drizzled on and homemade peanut butter cookies dipped in. I have not eaten like that in about four months. I thought my body would be in shock but I feel surprisingly alright.
Saturday, Jan. 25, 2003"Have a problem you can solve? That's not a problem, that's an oppurtunity. Have a problem you can't solve? That's an even greater oppurtunity."
